Contents
Principae Umpiricae - Inside the mind of Professor Langoustine
TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT CRICKET
Club multigenarian Steven Bignell esquire, of the parish of Palmers Green, reflects on the annoyances of 21st century cricketing mores. And is there honey still for tea?
TWENTY/20
The cricketing equivalent of knocking off a crafty one. Dreamed up to introduce new converts to the game, it is now having the opposite effect and driving traditionalists away. Like watching relentless porn, one match melds into the next amidst paroxysms of manufactured excitement. The shorter the game, the fewer chances there are to witness an absorbing contest between bat and ball. The pyjamas; the scantily clad dancing girls; the deafening street music, all contributing to the cheapness of the event as another ball goes winging over the schoolboy-sized boundaries. OK for stadiums full of excitable, identically-dressed Indians, but this summer's overkill will hopefully sound its death knell in England.
LEG BYES
The bowler has beaten the batsman, and hit him on the body instead of the bat. The ball runs away and the batsmen scamper a single. Even worse, the ball clips the batsman's pads and hurtles down the leg side for an undeserved boundary. Why then is the bowling side penalised? With byes, wides and no balls poor wicket-keeping and bowling is duly punished. Change the rules and ban leg byes.
FANCY DRESS
Errrrgh!!!!! Where did this come from! - possibly a legacy of Caribbean cricket. Smacks of childish exhibitionism – Ooh look, we're on the big screen – everybody wave like a slobbering moron! Can almost understand a single person wanting to dress up and look stupid, but the entire team from Lower Wallop CC in Dorset identically clad as Klingons or Hattie Jacques from Carry On Matron is pathetic. Quite rightly banned at Lord's. Now, repeat after me –'You are all individuals' ''YES, WE'RE ALL INDIVIDUALS!'' Next time I'm invited to a fancy dress party, I'm going to turn up and start a game of cricket.
HIGH FIVES
More West Indian macho bullshit. Why do grown men now have to jump up and down, screech like schoolgirls fetching off and jump all over each other every time a wicket falls! Whatever happened to a restrained gentlemanly handshake and a pat on the back (see Laker 19-90 v. Australia 1956).
SCOREBOARDS
Once upon a time, the cricket aficionado entered the ground and paid a few of the Queen's pence for something called a scorecard. This document helpfully listed – in batting order from 1 to 11 – the players on both sides. The more intelligent spectators then matched this up to the numbers shown on a black and white scoreboard, their only modern extravagance being a row of light bulbs with an accompanying number from 1 to 11 (plus S for sub) which lit up to indicate which player had just fielded the ball. What do we have now? Electronic nightmares that appear as if they had been designed by someone on Class A drugs and looking like an excerpt from Close Encounters Of The Third Kind, full of pink and orange lights, the board's changing at the end of every over to show some advert or other, interspersed with bucketloads of meaningless statistics. Too much information. Bring back those wonderful structures like the old scoreboxes at Old Trafford and The Oval. I'm not interested in the batsman's cock size or what the bowler had for breakfast,; all I want to know is the score, how many runs each batsman have got and who is bowling, which brings me neatly on to...
...CRICKET SHIRTS
Once upon a time all cricketers wore a plain white (or cream) shirt with a few buttons and a collar. Nowadays one can barely see the white for the player's name, squad number and 25 endorsements splattered all over it. How long before county (and even club) cricketers become walking advertisements like Formula 1 racing drivers and French League footballers? Actually, I quite like players' names and squad numbers, as all county cricketers these days seem as if they have been cast in an identical mould – all 6 feet 3, muscular and willowy. There are exceptions of course – like the Aussie Cosgrove at Glamorgan, who looks like a barrage balloon, and the promising James Taylor at Leicestershire – 5 feet nothing and about 12 years old. And don't get me started on coloured clothing for one-day games! Most counties, with a distinct lack of imagination, have clad their players in uniforms running the full gamut of the rainbow from navy blue to black, though there are some notable exceptions, like the Northants scarlet, Essex's appropriately chavvy mixture of red, green and yellow and Middlesex's girly pink. And whilst we're on the subject...
...SQUAD NUMBERS
In the mix with scorecards and cricket shirts, why can't players be numbered from 1 to 25 or however many pros a county has on its books? I don't want see player number 54, 66, 69 (ha, ha!), 77, 81 or 99 (my ribs are aching!). I don't want to look on the pink scoreboard to see bowler number 76 is bowling to batsman number 57 who has 66 runs. Grrrrr!!! I hate randomness. Please restore some natural order in all this.
TEST MATCH SPECIAL
Does anybody actually listen to this any more? Remember the days when you turned down the TV (when a free to air channel actually covered Test cricket) and listened to the TMS radio commentary instead. Far more entertaining were the giants of broadcasting – Arlott, Johnston, Frindall, The Alderman, interrupted by the pompous pontifications of Trueman and Bailey ('I just don't know what is going on out there. In my day...'). And who can ever forget the 'legover' tape or 'The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey' or 'Ray Illingworth is relieving himself at the Pavilion End.' Great days we shall never see (or hear) again.
SMOKING
Not so much a problem at Test or County level, more a social cricket problem. Players smoking on the field, or worse still – Umpires smoking! Surely there is enough opportunity in the open air for tobacco fiends to satisfy their addiction without inflicting it on cricketers. When I run up to bowl I don't want to have to do it through a cloud of smoke. Umpires caught smoking should be strapped to a chair, have electrodes attached to their brains and be forced to watch endless hours of Big Brother and Britain's Got Talent!
DOUBLE-BARRELLED NAMES
A real problem in football that is now creeping into cricket - Hamilton-Brown, Roland-Jones, etc. Actually, this is more of a general gripe. I detest double-barrelled names. It is the height of pretentiousness. Listen – it's not rocket science. Married or single, choose your surname – you can always change it if you don't like, then STICK TO IT!!! This could really get out of hand. What happens if two people with double-barrelled names marry each other. Do they and their children then have quadruple-barrelled names. This could stretch to infinity! Grrrr!!!! Help! Help! Nurse, he's out of bed again!
COMING SOON – TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT CRICKET
React to this reactionary rant at the club Forum
The Times September 1st
Westies on the spot
From our chief cricket correspondent E. Savinalaar-Finney
The social cricket scene was shocked yesterday with the news that a grizzled white-haired 50 year-old man had been arrested in relation to spot betting allegations over West X1 CC's fixture with Barnet on 1st August last.
The bowler involved was alleged to be in league with a betting ring run by a Muswell Hill newsagent, Kilroy Wazir, who had invested substantial sums of money with a local bookmaker in the bowler sending down at least six wides in a three-over bowling spell, in addition to one no-ball and two pea-rollers. An undercover reporter from The Hendon Times revealed that the bowler involved would be paid his weight in peanuts if he agreed to the scam.
A further West X1 slow bowler was also implicated when Mr.Wazir had wagered he would deliver at least three juicy full tosses in every over he bowled. Both men, who cannot be named for health reasons, were bailed without charge pending police review of video evidence which was helpfully supplied by the club. The club's scorebooks were also confiscated and the players concerned drug tested.
A spokesman for West X1 poured cold water on the accusations. 'We are perplexed by these charges. The bowlers concerned have been sending down wides and full tosses ever since they started their careers with us. There seemed nothing out of the ordinary in this particular match and we have every faith that this blight on their good names will be removed with out a stain on their characters.'
Thankfully for all concerned the charges were later dropped following a police review of the West X1 scorebooks and related video evidence.
by William Hill and Paddy Power
Nudes of the Whirled reporters last night accused Grizzled Veteran West XI "bowler" Steven "The Renster" Rennie of deliberately bowling no-balls to facilitate a betting scam.
Rennie replied: f**k off, I don't even know myself whether I'll bowl a no-ball, a wide or even a wicket-taking ball. However if you were to bet if I'll ask for a "Large One" at the end of a game then I think you onto a surefire thing.
West XI's Beleaguered Director of Cricket (and treasurer) also denied any involvement saying a sum of cash offered (believed to be in excess of 35 pence) would not be much use in reducing the club debts in any case. He then added "It might be enough to purchase a bag of Nobby's Nuts though".
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| From Miscellaneous players & matches |
Poem 1
Khakied, mustachioed spinner
Bedecked safari-suit winner,
Twirling, carniverous globe trotter,
Where you're going Dave, will be hotter!
Scientist,visionary, white coated spectre,
Not just Brian Murphy, more Hannibal Lectre,
You don't bother to trouble the scorer,
Where you're going Dave, will be poorer!
Legendary, van driving left armer,
Vest wearing, just like a farmer,
West XI couldnt be prouder,
Where you're going Dave, will be LOUDER!
Poem 2
Cape Town beckons for the big occasion,
Will you return a sun-bleached raison?
Lainguishing on the Camps Bay beaches,
Mirrorred eyes devouring sun tanned peaches
Inveterate football wanderer you are,
Travelling to countries most afar,
Blowing yr Vu Vu, lungs a straining,
Its 'castle' lager you'll be draining
Bring on the bortworst, brie's a smokin',
Fish on the barbie, you must be jokin',
Crocodile, zebra, springbok, giraffe,
He'll lunch on you all, hes not hear for a laugh
So, off to the Winelands, Pinotage,
Out on the terraces, giving it large,
Brilliant in beige, soak the atmosphere Dave,
Think of the Westies and start a Mexican wave.
Andrew Motion (inducing cereal creator)
More Problems for Scandal Ravaged Club
The Phil that went up a hill and fell down a mountain
New skipper in 'pussies' jibe
From our chief cricket correspondent E. Savinalaar-Finney
Controversial West London cricket club West X1 have been embroiled in yet another scandal following a near-fatal accident at a pre-season weekend training camp, it was revealed today after a High Court injunction to spike the story had failed.
It transpired that the players involved - former skipper Chris Wright, Phil Hill, Steve Rennie and teenage superstar Rowan Allerton - had embarked on a pre-season 'boot camp' in the Lake District to toughen them up and establish team bonding for the new season. This involved a good deal of walking and climbing in difficult conditions, including cold, wind and thick snow. During one outing veteran all-rounder Hill is reported to have fallen 30 feet down a ravine and had to be rescued by a St.Bernard dog with a cask full of dark rum and coke.
Hill was apparently badly shaken but sustained no permanent damage. However, later the same day police were called to the players' hotel where allegedly vast amounts of alcohol and a scantily-clad woman were discovered, whilst copious quantities of an unspecified substance were taken away for analysis. Fortunately, no arrests were made and the players were allowed to return home on the following Monday.
Hill's arrival back in London, covered in cuts and bruises, provoked speculation that he may have been yet another hit-and-run victim of disgraced Chelsea and England footballer John Terry-Cole. This was scotched by Hill's spokesman Phil Terry (no relation) who told us, 'Phil has had a bit of a shock. He was clearly out of his depth on the expedition, but has learnt from this and will hopefully move on'. Meanwhile, Terry-Cole's spokesman Phil Hall (also no relation) stated, 'Mister Terry-Cole is not aware of this Phil Hill, but would be quite happy to not only run him over, but also shag his wife or girl friend, if indeed he had one'.
West X1's beleaguered Director of Cricket Steve Bignell clearly did not see the funny side of the incident, telling us, 'I am naturally very disappointed. You allow these people to have a weekend on their own, expecting them to behave in a mature and responsible manner and this is what happens! There will be no more of this'.
New club skipper Chris Dane, who missed the trip for business reasons, was also not impressed, condemning Wright and Rennie as 'pussies' when they cried off net practice the following Tuesday claiming fatigue and post-traumatic stress.
Hill is expected to be fit for the start of the new season, though it would be hard to tell the difference after being offered only a one-year contract following a poor 2009 campaign. It is rumoured that several players have still not renewed their contracts, including under-fire chairman Kevin Allerton-Liebknecht and former vice-chairman David Bender. Signings of potentially fitter and younger players are rumoured to be in the offing, putting in doubt the future of several of the club's veteran performers. More worrying is that the club is rumoured to still be in serious financial difficulties and may shortly be subject to a winding-up order from Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs.
Dear All,
as many of us relish the mouth-watering prospect of yet another glorious season of sweaty boxes, diabolical umpiring decisions and inclement weather, thoughts turn to France, Provence and in particular the magnificence of Entrecasteaux, with its magnificent chateau perched high on the rocky outcrop overlooking fields of wild lettuce.
Nobody was more surprised than me when as a precurser to the new season I encountered a reference to the aforementioned oasis of calm, cricket and icebergs whilst swotting up on T E Lawrence's feat's of single handed heroism, galvanising disparate warring bedouin tribesmen into a unified fighting force against the brutal Turkish army.
A man with no military training, he succeded where all others had failed, uniting the arab nation and leading them to a mighty and unexpected victory. Ultimately he, like the arab nation became somewhat disallusioned having been 'sold down the Tigress' by the English and French in the form of the the 'Sykes-Picot' agreement to carve up Arabia with the consequences, one could argue, that led to the current conflicts in Iraq and Afganistan so perhaps we should have listened to him after all. Anyway I digress!
Part of the early campaign focused on the strategically vital suez canal and on the outbreak of hostilities Britain, like Turkey, reinforced its position along the canal and soon had 75,000 troops available, many from India and Australia, Privates Prab, Boden and Neep take note. Whilst troop numbers were sufficient, artillery was lacking and so the British relied on British and French warships placed at either end of the canal.
The Turks took advantage of cool weather and a sandstorm to launch a major attack on the canal from Beer-sheba, what a name, I think a cricket tour is in order. The advance across the desert took 10 days, mainly advancing at night to avoid detection. Due largely to the skill of the British General the attack was repulsed at enormous cost to the Turks who lost 1,500 men compared to a loss of 158 British troops. Ther Turks had deliberately been allowed to reach the canal and were in range of the 2 french warships, the Requin and more importantly d'Entrecasteaux.
What a boat !
Vive la Westi !
Wrighty
BEGGARS NEED TO BE CHOOSERS
CRISIS CLUB IN TAKEOVER TALKS
from our sports correspondent E.Savinalaar-Finney
*************************************************************
Troubled west London cricket outfit West Eleven slipped into deeper turmoil today with the shock news that long-standing skipper Chris Wright has resigned as captain following a summer of increasingly disappointing results, a further blow to the side after the recent demise of Director of Cricket Steve Bignell, who was sacked last week. The club is also believed to be in severe financial trouble and has been hit with a transfer ban by the England and Wales Cricket Board for persistently attempting to tap up players from other clubs.
However, rumours abound that Wright was also shown the door after complaints from a number of senior players, claiming that he had 'lost the dressing room'. Accusations of cronyism - that he favoured his ex-BT colleagues - were strenuously denied by one veteran player, who, though wishing to remain anonymous, commented, 'You bastards! If Wrighty isn't captain I'll never get a bowl or bat higher than number nine. Who fancies a large one?' A younger member of the first team squad was also critical, saying, 'Yo, bitch! West X1 ded ting, innit. Dem all mingers and pussies, whatever.' Further criticism was heard from another long-serving player who complained, 'I haven't been paid since 1993, although I did get a bowl back in 2005.'
Nevertheless, it appears Wright will not be severing his connections with the Beggars and intends to continue as a player, being one of only nine squad members to be awarded a central contract in 2010 for playing more than half the matches in the season just ended. He is known to have some serious connections in the City, and is understood to be putting together a consortium to take over the club in conjunction with Saudi billionaire Sheikh Ratul-un-rohl. Some fans of the team, backed by a right-wing pressure group, are also unhappy with the present administration and it is rumoured the position of firebrand chairman Kevin Liebknecht is also under threat due to his extremist views and belligerent attitude towards other teams.
Wright has skippered West Eleven since 2000, during which he has pulled them up from a desperate position, winning eleven trophies in the past ten seasons, although the loss of the Bob Ashton Memorial Cup 3-0 to the all-conquering Gentlemen of West London may have prompted his decision to go. He has been intimating for the last couple of years that he would shortly stand aside, but, rather like Mr. Mugabe, appeared reluctant to release the reins of power. Fortunately, there the similarity ends and outgoing Director of Cricket Steve Bignell paid this glowing tribute. 'Chris has been the most popular captain in the club's history, has led from the front, with his influence and imprint having been immeasurable, coupled with his sense of fair play, and will be a very hard act to follow.' Bignell's own position is somewhat unclear, having recently stated that he now will retire from playing, though we have heard that one before.
At the moment, current vice-captain Chris Dane is the bookies' favourite to step into the breach, if only on a temporary basis. 'Though I do not seek high office,' he told me, 'I feel in something of a dichotomy, rather like Bob Dylan appearing in a painting by Matisse, or perhaps some other Fauvist, with a drizzled salad on the side.'
Though traditionally part of the BT 'Mafia', Dane is known for being his own man and not necessarily an advocate of the Wright 'up-and-at-'em style' of captaincy, preferring a more measured and thoughtful approach, though he is likely to be challenged by the more populist wing of the club, championed by David Bender, who, in a prepared statement at a recent press conference, said, 'I will do whatever the club asks of me, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!'. Bender may well get the vice-captain's job as a compromise candidate to appease the non-BT element. Other pretenders to the succession are believed to include Bignell himself, who has been keeping a low profile recently, effervescent all-rounder Neepam Bhatt and grizzled veteran Steve Rennie, though the latter will most probably be Wright's right-hand man in any new regime.
Teenage superstar Rowan Allerton would be the choice of Gents' captain-in-waiting Hemin Patel., who announced, 'Ro is the best f***ing player you've got. He's f***ing brilliant! Your only chance of winning back the f***ing cup is if you make him your f***ing captain!' Attempts were also made to lure Gent supremo Sir Alex Burman back to West X1 as the new Director of Cricket, but he reluctantly declined, insisting there was still work to be done with the GWLCC.
The upcoming Annual General Meeting on November 6th is therefore likely to be a livelier affair than usual.
I'll bet you a pound to a penny
That a grizzly all-rounder called Rennie
Will bowl lots of pies
That go for 4 byes
And the wicket's he'll take are not many
There was a keen batsman called Dane
To bowlers was much of a pain
He'd score a smart fifty
Considerably nifty
Then do it all over again!
The Langster was known for one sentence,
The quoting of which made his frame tense,
"Bender ain't my friend"
He maintained to the end
"He's only my fucking acquaintance"
For three decades clear Stevie Bignell
Never troubled the umpires to signal
For a six or a four
He considered a bore
to go through that arm waving rigmarole
Contributions from WestX1 players and affiliates
To Bures
To Bures on the border is where we all came
At the dusk of the season for one final game.
With something to prove for the stats do not lie,
Was it a run of bad luck, or had we just failed to try?
A classic arena laid out for the battle
Field, church and river, orchard wall to rattle.
Our boys were sent in and carefully started
Then steadily, clipped, cut and carved, Oh the nettles we parted
One nine five at the end with lads still in the thatch,
Tea then took her guard and was quickly despatched
Could the home side respond? At times it seemed likely,
Chris Dane made the run-up his personal territory
The Skip and Chris B toiled, as others succumbed
Then all at once, by a whisker, the Westies had won.
So now give yourself leave and dream of a season
Look back on the last, or muse on it even.
You could plan for the next and all you'll achieve
But the Book is the place where the hard truths revealed.
Andy Cox - September 2009
PARAKEET
GREEN PARAKEET, OH HOW YOU SQUEAK!
ONCE OF THE JUNGLE, NOW MORE OF THE STREET.
YOU FLY HIGH IN GANGS TO ENGLAND'S FAIR WOODS
YOU'D COLONISE ALL IF YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU COULD.
THEY SAY YOU ESCAPED FROM AN ENTHUSIASTS CAGE,
TO MULTPLY, SPREAD AND SOUND OFF YOUR TIRADE.
FOR BIRDS WHO AREN'T SHY TO SIGNAL ARRIVAL
YOU STAY HIGH IN THE BRANCHES AS IF FOR SURVIVAL.
ONCE JUST A COO OR AN ANVIL LIKE CALL
GREETED MY TIME IN THE PARK ON A STROLL,
NOW ALL I HEAR AS I SAVOUR THE GREEN
IS A SQUARK AND A SQEAK AND SOMETIMES A SCREAM.
ARE YOU PARROTT OR PUNK YOU DELINQUENT BIRD?
YOU'VE NOTHING TO SAY AND YET YOUR STILL HEARD
SO APTLY YOUR NAMED, AS ONE THAT'S 'RING NECKED'
I'D BE GLAD TO OBLIGE JUST TO KEEP YOU IN CHECK.
Andy Cox - August 2009
How many overs should I umpire?
Principae Umpiricae by Professor Langoustine
On the custom and practice that I umpire for 10 overs in a 35 over game, then in a 40 over game I should umpire 10 x 40 divided by 35 overs which is 11.429 overs (or 68.571 balls). On the occurrence of only 10 players turning up instead of 11 then this is increased to 11.429 x 11 divided by 10 which is 12.571 overs (or 75.429 balls).
However as a stubborn sod then I will only agree to umpire 12 overs maximum with reluctance (reluctance is an electrical engineering subject which will not be covered here).
Q.E.D.
Taylor made victory for the West - Sunday 3rd May - by Phil Hill
In a week when the papers were full of swine flu stories it was good to see that the West X1 were unaffected and ended the day with a crackling win over the Somerset tourists.
The weather was set fare as Dinder won the toss and opted to take first use of a flat looking pitch at the soon to be demolished Civil Service ground in yuppified Barnes. The Beggars opened with the returning Taylor and the bowling star of last week Rowan Allerton. The Dinder openers put on 36 for the first wicket with a few edges through the slips and a missed catch by Uncle Albert as he opted to waive at the ball instead of catching it. Neep made the break through with his slower delivery which deceived Gould and bowled him for 9.
The turning point of the match was when the newly re-employed T.Mobile stallion picked up the ball from mid off and threw the stumps down leaving the opener Wilmott short of his ground, unfortunately just milliseconds before the ball hit the stumps our wicket keeper mad dog had knocked the bails off and therefore nullifying the decision. The openers let off was only seconds as Mr Dane bowled him with an absolute beauty which knocked middle stump out of the ground and even more impressively split the stump bringing back memories of Michael Holding at his finest.
The Dinder batting never really recovered after that and at one point were 7 down for 78 with only 24 overs gone. The innings was semi rescued by Dennis & Hatcher who managed to stay together for over 14 overs and adding plenty to bring the score up to some sort of respectability as they blocked and edged the bowlers for 4 runs in a 5 over spell.
The Dinder score accelerated towards the end as the number 10 Swindale managed some lusty blows to bring the score up to 121 and the innings ended with the return of cricketing tart Mr S Bignell blocking out for a 1 not out.
Both teams retired for a mathematical tea where 24 people divided a tea with 22 sandwiches , 22 cakes and enough tea for 22 people.
The Beggars reply was turgid in the extreme and Mr Taylor & Mr Wright crawled to 9 off 9 overs before some sort of control was taken with Stewart especially with his off drives. Chris finally gave up the ghost and was bowled for a mind numbing 18 and his replacement Mr Dane faired not much better as he was mugged by Mr Bender who decided that despite being half way down the wicket he was adjudged L.B.W, a decision so poor that Mr Bender's own father was questioning the umpires parentage.
The T-Mobile stallion joined Stew at the crease and led us to a comfortable victory with more than 10 overs to spare and with Stew unbeaten on a well made 53 and Mr Walton already 21 runs ahead of Mr Rennie for the season.
A very encouraging victory for the West boys with an even more impressive turnout with no less than 15 people turning up to either play , support or drink for the best team in West London. A special mentions for Mr McGirr who umpired more than 10 overs and for Mr Bender senior who was a welcome addition to the gang.
A ROUGH GUIDE TO DISPOSITIONS FOR THOSE CONFUSED BY THE CAPTAIN'S FIELDING INSTRUCTIONS
ON THE 45: The most frequently used command (or FUC for short). Relates to a station roughly at a 45-degree angle behind the striker's wicket on either side of the pitch, though not equating to any known textbook fielding position - nearest known equivalents leg gully or deep backward point. At a push can be utilised for wide mid-on or mid-off.
MID-COVER: A position saving one on either side of the pitch, approximately half-way between the wickets. Eye contact with the captain's extended finger is vital for this so as to ensure which side of the field one is required to stand. Most appropriate for veteran fieldsman with a reluctance to bend down, so expect a lot of chasing the ball having failed to stop it with one's foot.
BY THE UMPIRE: Square Leg, assuming he's standing on the right side of the pitch. If he can't be arsed to change over for left-handers it could be Point.
THIRD LEG: Not, as one might think, a sexual reference, but an assignment somewhere between the wicket-keeper and the boundary to prevent four byes/wides. Best employed during the early stages of a Rowan Allerton spell or for Phil Hill's 'faster' ball.
RIGHT BACK ON THE FENCE: Area where the most immobile fielders are usually despatched out to graze having just trundled their way through seven overs of accurate but mundane bowling. A serious attempt to stay alert should be made here as the ball may unexpectedly come hurtling one's way, especially if Bignell, Laing or Rennie are brought on to bowl. Try to avoid wistfully gazing at the sheep in the next field, practising one's golf swing or fingering one's genitals.
DROP FIVE: Retreat from your saving-one position to allow the batsmen to jog through for an easy single.
COME IN TEN: Advance back to the same place you should have been in to start with.
SQUARE WHATEVER: Roughly parallel to the striker's wicket either side of the pitch. Allow a 10-degree margin for Allerton drift, Senior or Junior.
EVERYBODY MOVE ROUND ONE: Universal re-deployment to compensate for Steve Rennie deserting the field in the middle of an over for a much-needed waz in the bushes.
FLY SLIP: Not appropriate these days as most cricket flannels either have buttons or no aperture whatsoever for the purpose of genital fluid dispersal (see above).
SILLY MID LEG: (or more generally) LET'S STOP THESE QUICK SINGLES!
SUICIDE ALLEY: a few yards in front of either side of the wicket with no reaction time to avoid a full-blooded drive aimed straight at your vital organs. Best deployment for dispensable older fieldsman.
SLIP: Anywhere more or less adjacent to the wicket-keeper, preferably far enough away from where the ball has just been edged in the air or where it is just about to be. Getting this spot-on can be a tricky operation. Never listen to what the bowler tells you and remember to dive theatrically once the ball has safely gone past.
DEEP EXTRA: Anywhere distant enough from the main action so as to pretend not to hear the captain's precise instructions. If the ball is hit in the air run forward far enough for it to go over one's head, thus avoiding the embarrassment of trying to catch it.
BACKWARD POINT: Educationally sub-normal close-to-the-wicket fielder.
FORWARD SHORT LEG: Sexually precocious close-to-the-wicket fielder (see also Walton/Seale).
WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON!: I've totally lost it, so just field where you like.
TAKE OVER, DANEY: I'm off for a prayer meeting.
